Detaching The Future

A lot of people have regrets. Some people have the proverbial "skeletons in their closet". Most people, if they're honest, have things they'd like to confess, sources of shame, or incidents from their past they'd like to own up to or would have done differently if they could. All of those things reside in the past, however. Through reframing, we can change our relationship to past events, but we cannot change what actually happened. While it's important to forgive and heal from those occurrences emotionally, personally, I'd prefer not to dwell on past events, which I cannot affect. But where we can have an impact is on our future, by changing our perspective in the present. This may necessitate an untangling of our future from past disappointments. Or it may require identifying perceived opposition to forward momentum.

Interestingly, have you ever felt conflicted about what you want for your future, either related to your past or your current situation? Do you have any dreams that you keep secret or wishes for your future that you don't share because you feel others might not understand? Does saying what you want feel like a confession?

In that way, sometimes our dreams can carry negative emotions. We have wants and desires that we can't discuss with anybody for fear of failure or being judged, or more likely discouraged from by "dream-killers". Sometimes what we want for ourselves may seem selfish by societal standards, or sometimes they are separate from the life we're living which is intertwined with obligations towards others, so by achieving our dream, we have to take something away from someone else. Other times, we draw from past experiences to forecast pitfalls or we carry some burden from a previous disappointment.

What causes us to perpetuate fear and hold ourselves back in this way? Detaching our dreams for the future from all of that stuff, we can start to examine our true intentions and recalibrate as necessary. We can get a fresh perspective on the pros and cons and the affect of action towards our goals.

At Teahupo'o, May 2007

My deep motivation for exploring this concept is related to my dream, which is to see... a Wave.

Yes, like a wave in the ocean. But not just any wave and not just any time because technically, I have seen this wave before, 10 years ago to be exact, just not during the ideal conditions.

My dream is to see Teahupo'o during a "code red" swell when the waves are heart-poundingly massive.

This is one of my greatest dreams, one that I attempted to realize in 2007 and was unable to. Though I didn't fulfill the experience I was hoping for last time around, the journey was amazing in other ways. I was left with many impressions, some that changed the course of my life. 

Inspired by my experience and what I was learning about myself, I started writing a book, which flowed through me to a certain point and then trickled to a stop. Events that followed moved me to begin making a film, which detoured into concert photography and ultimately opened up a whole world of experiences that I never would have had otherwise. But the film project too became stuck in perpetual limbo. I have felt inadequate, even a sense of guilt, for allowing those products of inspiration to wither on the vine. In light of these realizations, I'm finding that disappointments stemming from my first visit partly color my future desire to visit Teahupo'o again.

After some examination, I know that this is a current dream, not merely the dream of the person I was 10 years ago. I'd like to re-embrace that feeling of wonder, that calling that propelled me on the journey in the first place. (See below...) So I'd like to change my relationship to returning there and untether my possible future.

In regards to living in the moment and not focusing so much on the future, here too we can get bound up... I find myself asking: Spiritually speaking, aren't I supposed to find contentment wherever I am, absent of desire? Furthermore, why should I desire something outside of myself? And why should I concern myself with the future instead of living in the present moment? All valid questions. While I'm not presenting answers, simply opening up the questions begins to dissolve some of the fear.

In addition to our internal life, we also live an external life, a life that's meant to be experienced and expanded into. For me that means to put myself in front of something profound, and if I can detach myself from the outcome, then I see value in pursuing the dream. This is all still unfolding for me, but I know the journey itself holds keys to understanding.

Feel free to email me and share your experience. ♡

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The significance of Teahupo'o...

I grew up in Hawai'i, but I didn't really get into surfing until I moved back to California just after high school. I dabbled with surfing here and there... I lived close to the ocean and had a board so I'd go out occasionally and try to catch waves.

In 2004, my 6-year-old sister Alana was hit by a car and nearly killed, by which I mean she actually flat-lined and was resuscitated. I rushed back to Hawai'i to be with my family and returned from my trip a bit stunned. Suddenly there was a big empty space where I had previously been preoccupied with both the frivolity and minutia of life—now none of it mattered at all. Or perhaps it was more like a vacuum, as the experience left me in need of some sense of understanding to fill the void of questions regarding the deeper meaning of life.

I started surfing every single day, rain or shine, no matter the conditions. Surfing was a sanctuary of solitude where I could tune in to the natural rhythm of things. The salt water was like a baptism. The more I connected to the ocean, the more I became drawn to the power of that source energy.

Through videos and magazines, I became aware of huge waves around the world that people were actually surfing! The one that stood out the most, projecting sheer magnificence, was Teahupo'o. It was almost unimaginable. Not that I would ever have the skill (or even desire) to ride it, but I knew I had to SEE it. So in 2007, I went. The ocean was undeniably beautiful, but unfortunately, during the time I was there, The Wave was not showcasing its full grandeur. And so I'm left with a part of my soul still thirsting to one day return.

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Read about the Science of Teahupo'o

Photo credit: Unknown

Adding Grace to Injury

Opportunities to learn and grow come in all forms. This past month, mine came in the painful form of physical injury due to an abnormal lump in my left knee which became inflamed and even had me in a wheelchair for a couple days! Thankfully there is no damage to my tendons or ligaments and, for my own peace of mind, though it was aggravated in a yoga class, it is not a "yoga injury". I simply knelt on it. Crazy, right?

There are many lenses through which to view injury, many things to ponder. I'll share with you some of the things that have been running through my mind as I deal with mine. This is going to be a long one, but well worth the introspection.

First, I'd like to emphasize the importance of learning from all situations, even and perhaps especially from the unfortunate ones. When you encounter an undesirable event, you can let it take you down or you can let it inform you. Oftentimes people are more inclined to be grateful for the positive things in their lives, thankful for the blessings that the Universe bestows, but end up overlooking the gifts that are available in the midst of the hard situations. They turn to prayer to overcome struggle, sometimes even taking on the approach of "rising above" hardship without reflection or gratitude for what the struggle is offering them. Of course, prayer and a positive attitude are important, I would say vital, to healing and moving past problems. I seek to integrate that with gratitude for the struggle itself. 

GRATITUDE FOR THE EXPERIENCE OF INJURY

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I recognize and am grateful for my strength and balance. When you're injured, it's easy to focus on how limited you are, especially when it renders you immobile. For me, having to operate mostly on one leg, I was so, so grateful for the strength and balance I had in that one leg that allowed me to compensate temporarily. I have my yoga practice to thank for that.

I am grateful for the experience of being incapable. Have you ever been physically incapable? I not only had to come to terms with this for a short time, but I also had to accept assistance from others. For someone like me, very independent, this took some adjustment. For two days, I was also in a wheelchair, which gave me immense appreciation for the struggles of the disabled who navigate the world from a completely different vantage point.

To be grateful for my strength and balance as well as the experience of being incapable, I must also express gratitude for my overall health. I've been very fortunate throughout my life in not having dealt with many personal illnesses (knock on wood). I have always been thankful and aware of this, but I recognize the value more as I deal with acute pain.

This experience allows me to relate to knee pain and limitations. As a yoga instructor, many of my students have knee pain or use yoga to rehabilitate after knee surgery. I would not have wished for my injury, but while I'm going through it, I can start to understand first-hand what it can be like for my students so that I can better relate to their pain. I have also been able to get a tiny glimpse into the pain of two of the most important people in my life, my fiancé and my grandmother, who have both undergone multiple knee surgeries. This deepens my compassion for them.

This is a great exercise in adjusting expectations. We had a guest coming to visit from Bosnia who I met for the first time the day after I injured myself. In preparing for her 3-week visit, I planned a variety of activities for us—doing yoga, going hiking, exploring San Francisco. The whole landscape of her visit changed in an instant. I could barely walk for nearly two weeks and much of my time was spent in pain and icing/elevating my leg. The injury became somewhat of a focus for the majority of her time here. I couldn't even be the hostess to her that I'd intended to be. She was so easy-going about having to alter her own expectations, extremely gracious and very caring towards my situation. Ultimately, we had a great time just hanging out and getting to know each other.

I recognize that I am in a different state of mind than that of past injuries. I've only had three occurrences that I would consider injuries. When I broke my wrist snowboarding, a back injury, and now a knee injury.

When I broke my wrist, it was very tangible thing. My focus was on healing the broken bone. I was doing a lot of yoga and practiced almost daily with my cast on. I increased my calcium and Vitamin C intake. I was optimistic and extremely determined to heal as quickly and efficiently as possible. The bone healed a week earlier than the doctor predicted.

The back injury was much murkier. I don't have a clear incident to explain it; it could have been too much home practice, experimenting with deep backbends without warming up properly and pushing the limits of my knowledge and flexibility, it could have been a photo shoot where I did several backbends only on one side, it could have been my Vinyasa teacher training when I came out of a handstand one leg at a time, felt a shooting pain and could hardly get out of bed the next morning. My guess is it was all of the above. At the time I was also reverberating emotionally from a painful breakup. I was not focused on healing so much as "putting the pain behind me". Was it any coincidence I created a back injury for myself? The limitations from this injury lasted several years. I identified with it. It became an exemption from depth, physically and emotionally.

The knee injury occurs at a time when I am wide open to learning and gleaning all that I can from my own situations in order to share my experience. I can accept this. I can experience this. I can learn from this. And I can heal from this.

INTENTIONS FOR RECOVERING FROM INJURY

I choose to avoid becoming identified with this injury. As cited above, I have first-hand experience in strongly identifying with being injured. The back injury became a kind of persona or some badge of experience. It was "my back injury". I took ownership of it (which is different than taking responsibility for it). While I'm currently tending to "my" knee injury, I will be happy to shed ownership once my body has healed.

“Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.”

— Marcus Aurelius

This is an important thing to consider for yourself and can pertain to many areas of life. How many "injuries" do we carry around needlessly? For physical injuries, oftentimes when the body heals, there is still some echo of it that remains. We favor a certain side or attach ourselves to our former limitations. What would happen if we could recognize the imbalance, consciously release the "old injury", and correct our course? How might we compensate for imbalances or "injuries" in other areas of life, and how can we move towards correcting them?

I'm looking forward to renewing a more focused attention to my yoga practice and different areas of my body. I've been practicing yoga for more than 15 years, and I'll admit, I've gone through phases where my routine practice has become, well, routine. Part of why I liked participating in yoga competitions was the renewed sense of focus and attention that returned to my practice when I had a "goal". Recovering from an injury offers the same opportunity. My presence and attunement to my body's needs will be heightened.

I am determined to recover well. In repairing my knee, my intention is to address my entire body holistically. Everything in the body is connected, so every area will need to be considered as I aim to return full mobility to my knee. This involves hip-opening, stretching my groin and hamstrings, targeting tightness in my IT bands, continuing to keep my spine strong and flexible, improving my core strength, keeping my shoulders flexible, etc. This also includes making sure my diet is aligned with healing my body from the inside out, tending to my gut health, including things in my diet that are beneficial for joint health, etc.

These are some of things I've been contemplating while nurturing myself through this. Right now, I'm filtering my understanding through the lens of physical injury, but perhaps you can translate some of this to other areas of your life.

Please feel free to email me insights from your own experience or with questions! ♡