Adding Grace to Injury

Opportunities to learn and grow come in all forms. This past month, mine came in the painful form of physical injury due to an abnormal lump in my left knee which became inflamed and even had me in a wheelchair for a couple days! Thankfully there is no damage to my tendons or ligaments and, for my own peace of mind, though it was aggravated in a yoga class, it is not a "yoga injury". I simply knelt on it. Crazy, right?

There are many lenses through which to view injury, many things to ponder. I'll share with you some of the things that have been running through my mind as I deal with mine. This is going to be a long one, but well worth the introspection.

First, I'd like to emphasize the importance of learning from all situations, even and perhaps especially from the unfortunate ones. When you encounter an undesirable event, you can let it take you down or you can let it inform you. Oftentimes people are more inclined to be grateful for the positive things in their lives, thankful for the blessings that the Universe bestows, but end up overlooking the gifts that are available in the midst of the hard situations. They turn to prayer to overcome struggle, sometimes even taking on the approach of "rising above" hardship without reflection or gratitude for what the struggle is offering them. Of course, prayer and a positive attitude are important, I would say vital, to healing and moving past problems. I seek to integrate that with gratitude for the struggle itself. 

GRATITUDE FOR THE EXPERIENCE OF INJURY

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I recognize and am grateful for my strength and balance. When you're injured, it's easy to focus on how limited you are, especially when it renders you immobile. For me, having to operate mostly on one leg, I was so, so grateful for the strength and balance I had in that one leg that allowed me to compensate temporarily. I have my yoga practice to thank for that.

I am grateful for the experience of being incapable. Have you ever been physically incapable? I not only had to come to terms with this for a short time, but I also had to accept assistance from others. For someone like me, very independent, this took some adjustment. For two days, I was also in a wheelchair, which gave me immense appreciation for the struggles of the disabled who navigate the world from a completely different vantage point.

To be grateful for my strength and balance as well as the experience of being incapable, I must also express gratitude for my overall health. I've been very fortunate throughout my life in not having dealt with many personal illnesses (knock on wood). I have always been thankful and aware of this, but I recognize the value more as I deal with acute pain.

This experience allows me to relate to knee pain and limitations. As a yoga instructor, many of my students have knee pain or use yoga to rehabilitate after knee surgery. I would not have wished for my injury, but while I'm going through it, I can start to understand first-hand what it can be like for my students so that I can better relate to their pain. I have also been able to get a tiny glimpse into the pain of two of the most important people in my life, my fiancé and my grandmother, who have both undergone multiple knee surgeries. This deepens my compassion for them.

This is a great exercise in adjusting expectations. We had a guest coming to visit from Bosnia who I met for the first time the day after I injured myself. In preparing for her 3-week visit, I planned a variety of activities for us—doing yoga, going hiking, exploring San Francisco. The whole landscape of her visit changed in an instant. I could barely walk for nearly two weeks and much of my time was spent in pain and icing/elevating my leg. The injury became somewhat of a focus for the majority of her time here. I couldn't even be the hostess to her that I'd intended to be. She was so easy-going about having to alter her own expectations, extremely gracious and very caring towards my situation. Ultimately, we had a great time just hanging out and getting to know each other.

I recognize that I am in a different state of mind than that of past injuries. I've only had three occurrences that I would consider injuries. When I broke my wrist snowboarding, a back injury, and now a knee injury.

When I broke my wrist, it was very tangible thing. My focus was on healing the broken bone. I was doing a lot of yoga and practiced almost daily with my cast on. I increased my calcium and Vitamin C intake. I was optimistic and extremely determined to heal as quickly and efficiently as possible. The bone healed a week earlier than the doctor predicted.

The back injury was much murkier. I don't have a clear incident to explain it; it could have been too much home practice, experimenting with deep backbends without warming up properly and pushing the limits of my knowledge and flexibility, it could have been a photo shoot where I did several backbends only on one side, it could have been my Vinyasa teacher training when I came out of a handstand one leg at a time, felt a shooting pain and could hardly get out of bed the next morning. My guess is it was all of the above. At the time I was also reverberating emotionally from a painful breakup. I was not focused on healing so much as "putting the pain behind me". Was it any coincidence I created a back injury for myself? The limitations from this injury lasted several years. I identified with it. It became an exemption from depth, physically and emotionally.

The knee injury occurs at a time when I am wide open to learning and gleaning all that I can from my own situations in order to share my experience. I can accept this. I can experience this. I can learn from this. And I can heal from this.

INTENTIONS FOR RECOVERING FROM INJURY

I choose to avoid becoming identified with this injury. As cited above, I have first-hand experience in strongly identifying with being injured. The back injury became a kind of persona or some badge of experience. It was "my back injury". I took ownership of it (which is different than taking responsibility for it). While I'm currently tending to "my" knee injury, I will be happy to shed ownership once my body has healed.

“Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.”

— Marcus Aurelius

This is an important thing to consider for yourself and can pertain to many areas of life. How many "injuries" do we carry around needlessly? For physical injuries, oftentimes when the body heals, there is still some echo of it that remains. We favor a certain side or attach ourselves to our former limitations. What would happen if we could recognize the imbalance, consciously release the "old injury", and correct our course? How might we compensate for imbalances or "injuries" in other areas of life, and how can we move towards correcting them?

I'm looking forward to renewing a more focused attention to my yoga practice and different areas of my body. I've been practicing yoga for more than 15 years, and I'll admit, I've gone through phases where my routine practice has become, well, routine. Part of why I liked participating in yoga competitions was the renewed sense of focus and attention that returned to my practice when I had a "goal". Recovering from an injury offers the same opportunity. My presence and attunement to my body's needs will be heightened.

I am determined to recover well. In repairing my knee, my intention is to address my entire body holistically. Everything in the body is connected, so every area will need to be considered as I aim to return full mobility to my knee. This involves hip-opening, stretching my groin and hamstrings, targeting tightness in my IT bands, continuing to keep my spine strong and flexible, improving my core strength, keeping my shoulders flexible, etc. This also includes making sure my diet is aligned with healing my body from the inside out, tending to my gut health, including things in my diet that are beneficial for joint health, etc.

These are some of things I've been contemplating while nurturing myself through this. Right now, I'm filtering my understanding through the lens of physical injury, but perhaps you can translate some of this to other areas of your life.

Please feel free to email me insights from your own experience or with questions! ♡

Do The Work / Make The Effort

As I wrote in a recent post, I feel like I floated somehow through 2016, mostly in a state of surrender to big changes. Almost like drifting on the surface, above the depth of all that's happened. And most of it was really good! But even in the stressful times, I felt a degree of separation from it all, like almost nothing struck that deep. I've traveled and gone on retreat and packed up everything and moved and been a part of a transformative experience and settled into a new home. (Check out The Year in Pictures: 2016 for full highlights!) What I've reflected on as the New Year rounded the corner is that through all of those events, with so much happening, I relied on a sense of ease and somewhat lax satisfaction with my natural abilities and where I've come, internally and also as it relates to my body. Non-stagnant, non-complacent, yet non-motivated.

The year before, 2015, I was still reverberating from a complete shutdown following many years of constant work hustle. I gave myself some time to go easy instead of maxing out my energy expenditure. And that time was necessary. Then last year, I came to life again, still gentle and perhaps a little nurturingly indulgent. My attention was diverted from my own wellness homeostasis and fractalated out to the multitude of things going on, or whatever required my soft focus at the time, which occasionally involved wine and cheese.

Well, New Year's morning, I woke up at 5:00am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to take and teach some yoga! And there it was, my intention for 2017: DO THE WORK.

My motivation to tend to my nutritional needs, to practice yoga with heightened purpose, to apply myself more attentively to spiritual practices has returned. I feel drawn back to self-discipline, and also to more expressive freedom. I feel like I have a renewed capacity to MAKE THE EFFORT towards the state of inner and outer health that I want to see and feel.

My intentions may seem body-focused, which can come across as a little cliché around the New Year, but I'm fine with that. What goes on inside my body flows back out as information. My inner experiences allow me to understand and connect with you, to transmit the information I glean to you and others from the vantage point of my own understanding.

In order for me to make the effort, it's helpful for me to know what obstacles I'm up against. What's hindering me? Sometimes the best thing to do is to take the smallest step. If you want to practice yoga more consistently, maybe the first thing to do is to simply put your yoga mat on the floor. That's not too hard. Then maybe put on an outfit you would practice in. You're halfway there already!

• Write down your intention and keep it in a place where it will act as a daily reminder.
• Tell people what your intention is. Ask for their support.
• Make a list or a roadmap of simple steps you can take towards your intention. Keep it bite-sized. The simpler, the better.
• Then make a list of obstacles that might deter you. Begin to brainstorm, strategize, or meditate on how you can overcome them.
• Take those simple steps, one-by-one, until your efforts become habitual, and before you know it, you'll be on the path you intended.

My mantra for 2017: Do the work. Make the effort.

What's yours? -- Email me!

An Education

Raja Yoga Academy Class of Fall 2016

Over the course of six weeks, I had an opportunity to re-immerse myself in an environment of growth, expansion, and education, this time from a very unique vantage point: simultaneously as a partner, as a teacher and facilitator, and (always) as a student. As my fiancé, Sal, embarked on his own journey to becoming a yoga instructor through Raja Yoga Academy, I was able to share in the experience, learning about myself in this new capacity while witnessing the transformations in each trainee, the facilitators themselves, and the group as a whole.

I absolutely love learning. I've always been one of those students who sits at the front of the class and raises my hand to answer the questions... you know the type. I feel that any time you enter into something with a dedicated focus and intention set on learning new things (as opposed to acquiring new information in passing), you bring a higher quality of receptivity which opens your mind to a greater sense of understanding—going beyond what you "already know" into what you didn't know that you didn't know.

Many people fear what they don't know or what may seem to conflict with their currently-held knowledge. I am of the mind that if I am to grasp even a sliver of an abstraction of Truth, I have to fill the pipeline with information from many sources and perspectives and filter out any untruths that I encounter. I trust that the untruths will not resonate, and new ideas that do hold truth will only continue to reinforce my sense of Truth, in other words, help me to calibrate my esoteric bullshit meter.

That being said, it was not surprising to discover that the experience of the past couple months has inspired me to want to learn even more! I met some unique souls and inspiring teachers that have reinstalled in me a drive to seek. To understand more. To hone my skills. To communicate, translate, and pass on information. To become a better teacher.

It seems education begets a desire to learn. And for that, I am grateful and embracing what I have yet to learn.