Detaching The Future
/A lot of people have regrets. Some people have the proverbial "skeletons in their closet". Most people, if they're honest, have things they'd like to confess, sources of shame, or incidents from their past they'd like to own up to or would have done differently if they could. All of those things reside in the past, however. Through reframing, we can change our relationship to past events, but we cannot change what actually happened. While it's important to forgive and heal from those occurrences emotionally, personally, I'd prefer not to dwell on past events, which I cannot affect. But where we can have an impact is on our future, by changing our perspective in the present. This may necessitate an untangling of our future from past disappointments. Or it may require identifying perceived opposition to forward momentum.
Interestingly, have you ever felt conflicted about what you want for your future, either related to your past or your current situation? Do you have any dreams that you keep secret or wishes for your future that you don't share because you feel others might not understand? Does saying what you want feel like a confession?
In that way, sometimes our dreams can carry negative emotions. We have wants and desires that we can't discuss with anybody for fear of failure or being judged, or more likely discouraged from by "dream-killers". Sometimes what we want for ourselves may seem selfish by societal standards, or sometimes they are separate from the life we're living which is intertwined with obligations towards others, so by achieving our dream, we have to take something away from someone else. Other times, we draw from past experiences to forecast pitfalls or we carry some burden from a previous disappointment.
What causes us to perpetuate fear and hold ourselves back in this way? Detaching our dreams for the future from all of that stuff, we can start to examine our true intentions and recalibrate as necessary. We can get a fresh perspective on the pros and cons and the affect of action towards our goals.
At Teahupo'o, May 2007
My deep motivation for exploring this concept is related to my dream, which is to see... a Wave.
Yes, like a wave in the ocean. But not just any wave and not just any time because technically, I have seen this wave before, 10 years ago to be exact, just not during the ideal conditions.
My dream is to see Teahupo'o during a "code red" swell when the waves are heart-poundingly massive.
This is one of my greatest dreams, one that I attempted to realize in 2007 and was unable to. Though I didn't fulfill the experience I was hoping for last time around, the journey was amazing in other ways. I was left with many impressions, some that changed the course of my life.
Inspired by my experience and what I was learning about myself, I started writing a book, which flowed through me to a certain point and then trickled to a stop. Events that followed moved me to begin making a film, which detoured into concert photography and ultimately opened up a whole world of experiences that I never would have had otherwise. But the film project too became stuck in perpetual limbo. I have felt inadequate, even a sense of guilt, for allowing those products of inspiration to wither on the vine. In light of these realizations, I'm finding that disappointments stemming from my first visit partly color my future desire to visit Teahupo'o again.
After some examination, I know that this is a current dream, not merely the dream of the person I was 10 years ago. I'd like to re-embrace that feeling of wonder, that calling that propelled me on the journey in the first place. (See below...) So I'd like to change my relationship to returning there and untether my possible future.
In regards to living in the moment and not focusing so much on the future, here too we can get bound up... I find myself asking: Spiritually speaking, aren't I supposed to find contentment wherever I am, absent of desire? Furthermore, why should I desire something outside of myself? And why should I concern myself with the future instead of living in the present moment? All valid questions. While I'm not presenting answers, simply opening up the questions begins to dissolve some of the fear.
In addition to our internal life, we also live an external life, a life that's meant to be experienced and expanded into. For me that means to put myself in front of something profound, and if I can detach myself from the outcome, then I see value in pursuing the dream. This is all still unfolding for me, but I know the journey itself holds keys to understanding.
Feel free to email me and share your experience. ♡
The significance of Teahupo'o...
I grew up in Hawai'i, but I didn't really get into surfing until I moved back to California just after high school. I dabbled with surfing here and there... I lived close to the ocean and had a board so I'd go out occasionally and try to catch waves.
In 2004, my 6-year-old sister Alana was hit by a car and nearly killed, by which I mean she actually flat-lined and was resuscitated. I rushed back to Hawai'i to be with my family and returned from my trip a bit stunned. Suddenly there was a big empty space where I had previously been preoccupied with both the frivolity and minutia of life—now none of it mattered at all. Or perhaps it was more like a vacuum, as the experience left me in need of some sense of understanding to fill the void of questions regarding the deeper meaning of life.
I started surfing every single day, rain or shine, no matter the conditions. Surfing was a sanctuary of solitude where I could tune in to the natural rhythm of things. The salt water was like a baptism. The more I connected to the ocean, the more I became drawn to the power of that source energy.
Through videos and magazines, I became aware of huge waves around the world that people were actually surfing! The one that stood out the most, projecting sheer magnificence, was Teahupo'o. It was almost unimaginable. Not that I would ever have the skill (or even desire) to ride it, but I knew I had to SEE it. So in 2007, I went. The ocean was undeniably beautiful, but unfortunately, during the time I was there, The Wave was not showcasing its full grandeur. And so I'm left with a part of my soul still thirsting to one day return.
Read about the Science of Teahupo'o
Photo credit: Unknown
